CnR members please read - you know who you are.

Let me make this very clear to you. I'm not mad at any of you.  I walked away because despite what anyone says, most people had chosen sides after our whole ordeal a few months ago regardless of whether they chose to admit it or not. I'm rather grateful to say that no one sided with me. It makes it easier to write all of this because I don't have to run it by anyone.

I personally never hated you, and certainly not for disliking Black Butler. I say potato, you say potahto. Big whoop. Can't change a person's preferences unless they want them changed. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt every time you bagged on the fandom, but I never said anything. To be perfectly honest, I'm not that big a fan of Hetalia but I tried to keep up with it for your guys' sake.

You said that you felt you couldn't have your own opinions about things. Did you ever stop to think that we might have felt the same way? Because we did. A lot of the time we were afraid to bring up Black Butler, Perfect World, and even the music we liked because we didn't want to get our heads bitten off. At least I felt that way, anyway. If you really think we base our friendships on anime and mmorpgs, then you never really knew us at all. Maybe it's not such a bad thing we're going our separate ways after all. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt. I'd still like to cry for hours over this but it's not worth it. Once this journal is posted, it'll all be over.

I walked away because Charlie is - was - able to harass me through you. Regardless of what any of you might think - Charlie, you especially - I'm not stupid. I know when I'm getting dissed on directly AND indirectly, and I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. I'm tired of losing sleep and my focus because I worry. I've lost a month worth of condensed sleeping time worrying about what's being said about me, who's saying it to who, and who's buying it. I get it if you hate me. I've given up caring about what people think of me, but being backstabbed, cut down, and gossiped about while my back is turned is something I will never tolerate. Some of you accused me and others of backstabbing you - but based on what I've seen on your profiles when I simply went to thank you for a favorite or something shows that if I've got blood on my hands, then you're just as guilty. Maybe you were just hoping I'd see it and get pissed off like this. Hats off to ya. Touchdown. Three points. Go get yourself a trophy, because you did it. But I didn't start hating you. We're at that age where we like lashing out at people we have shyt with. I understand. But seriously, why me? I'm not asking why it was me and not Sheala, or Justine or someone, but why the rest of you seemed to pinpoint me directly. What did I ever do to you? I never two-faced you. I two-faced Charlie because he two-faced me. Blindsided me. Kicked me while I was down. Anyone with one eye and half a brain could see that he had it coming.

Charlie, I led you on because you led me on. Know what? You almost had my heart there for a while. But after finding out how you were treating everyone else while I wasn't there to put a stop to it, my heart slipped straight through your fingers. No, it was more like you willingly dropped it like a burning coal. Funny how your feelings for me were so "true", and not two weeks after you told me you "loved" me, you were head over heels for another girl. Not that I was broken up over it. By then I'd already seen the black, sadistic underbelly of your personality and knew you weren't the one. It was like a bad soap opera, Charlie. Gave your heart to me, then took it back and gave it to another girl who broke it (smart girl) and you came crawling back to me like I was going to take you in, treat your wounds, and we'd skip off into the sunset together. I'm not that dumb. I've had three boyfriends in my life not counting my current one, and those three all cheated and pulled shyt like you pulled. They all came back to me groveling for forgiveness and offering bouquets of roses, but all I gave them was goodbye because there was nothing else to say. If a man cheats once, he cheats every day for the rest of his life. I'm not saying you cheated on me because we never got together. But it's the same basic principle. You toyed with my emotions and tried to drag some kind of emotional satisfaction out of me. I'll give you this much - you know how to sweet talk a girl. Just cut down on the sap and lies and maybe you'll score someday.

We never had meetings that excluded anyone. The weeks we wouldn't have meetings, we'd get together and play Perfect World or something because it would be just us. Our whole lives didn't play into CnR! Why can't we get together just one on one, or one on one on one sometimes? We only had get-togethers like that when we didn't have meetings where all of us could be together or got canceled for some reason or another. Our getting together had nothing to do with CnR. It was just us. A few friends hanging out on an empty Saturday. Friends don't have to do everything together all the time. I spend more one-on-one time with Sheala than anyone else because I don't have to worry about what I say around her, laugh at, or watch what I diss. Gonna get pissed at me for that? She knows I diss Justin Bieber in a very tongue-in-cheek way so that she can laugh along with me.  I do that with everyone. Hell, I do that with one of my friends and his love for "The Office". He laughs because I can incorporate good humor with my opinion. I'm not comfortable sharing why I gag every time someone mentions Glee, okay? It stirs up memories I'd just rather not tap into for as long as I live, alright? It's not something I can control. I have a VERY strong opinion about that show, and lets leave it at that.

I'm not going to apologize because I didn't do anything wrong. You're crucifying me for nothing, and honestly, I don't care. It's not like I'm not used to it.

People have accused me of hiding things from them. So know what? If you want a list of the problems that play into the way I am? I'll jsut lay them out.

I was raped.
Molested.
Abused.
Verbally and physically.
I struggle with depression.
I have chemical imbalances in my brain that hinder my ability to learn and keep my emotions under control.
As a result of such, I've been labeled as "stupid".
I have a social disorder that makes me an awkward person to talk to even years after you've known me.
I have no father.
And no father figure.
My purity was taken from me against my will.
As a result, I have trust issues with everyone.
I have walls set up around my heart to keep anyone from getting too close.
All but a handful of people I've known who have gotten past those defenses have betrayed me, blindsided me, backstabbed me, cut me down, beaten me into submission, etc.
There's a reason I crush mainly on fictional guys. They can't hurt me like any real person can.
I've found in the last day or so that out of my little circle of friends, only three(?) of them are trustworthy, real friends. You know who you are.

You think I'd inflict any of that on anyone else undeserving? I'm not a malicious person like that. If you believe that I am, then I daresay that CnR was a huge mistake.

I refuse to side with anyone. But I don't wish to cut myself off from anyone more than I have to. But I don't have to take any of your shyt, I don't have to lose any more sleep, and  If you choose to still associate with me, then my heart goes out to you. Maybe I'll even let myself cry over this for a while. But it's hard to cry when you don't have a shoulder to do it on, you know?

Forgive me if I sounded angry. I'm sorry it had to end like this.

And Charlie - I don't appreciate you interuppting me while I'm reading at literary talent to cut me down for my work. Save it for the comment card.